Im Fine, I Promise Poem by Trynity Erickson

What do you see when you look at me
You see...smiles
You see laughter
You see someone that looks happy
So, I must be happy, right?
See...thats where you are wrong
There are things you don't see
Things you can't
Things I won't let you
Scars
Wounds
Both physical and mental
You don't see me at 2 am crying in my room because my life is getting so hard to deal with
You don't see me when i am crying but i need to be quiet because i'm not alone
You only see me at my best
You don't see me at my worst
You look at me and you think i'm fine
I let you think that, it's easier that way anyways
I tell you i'm fine because that's what you want to hear
I tell you i'm fine because im scared of what would happen if i didn't
I'm scared, if i tell you that you will leave
That you won't want to stay
That you won't stay if i tell you about the nights where i just want to end everything
But right now you think i am fine
See, i think you want me to be ok
Because then
Then you don't have to pretend to care
To pretend to want to help
Because when i say the words
Im fine
You can say 'thats good'
And go on about your problems
I don't mind helping you
I don't mind helping
But sometimes i need help
Someone to help me understand all the things going on inside my head
But you dont want to hear about it
You want the good things that come with being in my life
But you dont want to help me through the bad
You want to pretend that i am not struggling to do simple things such as get out of my bed
Simple things such as my schoolwork
You want to pretend there isn't a relentless storm inside my head
Because if everything is fine you don't have to care
One day you won't have to pretend to care anymore
One day i will be gone
And all of me will be nothing but a memory
Slowly fading away until there is nothing left