Child Labour Poem by Vaibhav Simha
Child Labour
In the hour when the world sleeps
And when the cold gust brings in the creeps.
When hardly had the sun peeked over the edge of the sky,
Wearing torn sweaters were six shadows not very high.
The light was paused by the buildings and closed their identity,
The sweaters they wore sealed off their creativity.
The sun rose and so did the rays as the time went.
In the brightness were the shadows blasted and six children were into the vision sent.
They held shovels and yawned on their way
As they headed to the construction site not very fair.
At once, they turned around and beheld the magnificent school's flare,
And found the keeper opening the gates to welcome the students for the new day.
Three of them stepped forward towards the gates
While the others prayed for their fates.
They reached the hinged barriers and to the keeper they said:
'I heard this school takes in the poor and makes them well-fed.'
Before the guard turned around, the three fell on the ground and bled
Behind them stood the employer with a whip over his head.
The other three stood in terror and cried with dismay
As the man dragged the fallen three away.
The gate keeper snatched the shovel and swung it at the man's face.
The children cheered as injustice was cleared without a trace.
The man groaned in pain while the keeper hugged the lads
And took them inside the school and fed them well for years until they had flabs.
2 – ..perhaps you mean the " employer" or " injustice" was disposed of? ? well, the injustice was avenged and the employer was subdued, but neither was erased. in stanza 3 you use a different rhyme scheme. i rarely do that (usually inadvertently) . it's ok, and does lend a change of pace.
1 – MORE: when i last commented i mentioned typos in stanzas 3 & 5 but did not identify them. now i wonder if i thought " site not very fair" was meant to be " far" . maybe not. i'd shorten 3's last line. stanza 6: " injustice was cleared without a trace" / " cleared" sounds a bit strange to me
1 – stanzas 3 & 5: each has a silly typo. you'll find them. stanza 6 [my favorite one]: i'd use " flab" , not " flabs" and there IS an easy way to still make a rhyme, with " flab" . i laughed at the last line/word. i have more suggestions. If you want them left here, ask for them.
The gate keeper snatched the shovel and swung it at the man's face. The children cheered as injustice was cleared without a trace. The man groaned in pain while the keeper hugged the lads And took them inside the school and fed them well for years until they had flabs. A very fine poem praising the heroic deed of saving giving hope....... thanku. dear poet.. tony
This poem has not been translated into any other language yet.
I would like to translate this poem
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5/4/2024 6:48:33 PM # 1.0.0.1119
3 – i still caution poets to not let the meaning of a poem suffer due to too much attention to 'achieving a rhyme'. i still like the poem bri :) p.s. i STILL would rather see " flab" than " flabs" . i say " flab" is a " collective noun" **. ** " A collective noun is a noun such as 'family' or 'team' that refers to a group of people or things." So, i would never use " flabs" .