Robert Black

It's relatively easy to act nice and normal in front of a crowd, or in public. The tricky part is doing it in private.

Writers begin with a grain of sand, and then create a beach.

Most of my girlfriends are sent by the Devil and seem genuinely bemused when I do not succumb to their powers.

'The best time to do anything, get drunk, surf, run, take a walk, gamble, make love, get high, watch a movie, read a book, is on a Monday, when everyone else is at work, as their depression will heighten your celebration, of not being them.'

'Writers and other artists are mostly just historians, produced by nature to describe, decipher and thus historically represent the universe.'

"Life must be terrible for working people, considering they spend every Friday night celebrating a two day break from it."

"Writers should cut as close to the vein as possible. The readers don't want to be covered in your warm sticky blood, but they want to come as close to it as possible."

If you write about the dark side of people, you are more likely to be closer to the truth, because people don't pretend to be dark, nearly as much as they pretend to be good.

"The problem with working, I mean not self-employed, is that you have to get up and routinely do something that you do not want to do, plus you get talked down to, ordered around by twats, you know you are better than. In reality, you are no better than a slave, no better than a hamster running on a wheel. You could say the hamster likes to run on the wheel, the hamster runs on the wheel by choice. But do not forget, the hamster is always in a cage, and will never be anything else, but a hamster running on a wheel inside a cage, unless it escapes the cage."

"Human beings will be remembered as the race who tried to destroy everything they did not understand. People, animals, plants, even the giant ball they called home."

When considering female human beings, we should ask ourselves what kind of organisms become overjoyed when presented with decapitated plants as gifts? I suppose we should consider ourselves fortunate they do not become overjoyed when presented with decapitated animals as gifts.

It's a shame that sex is not all about pretty girls, flowers, and white lingerie. When it comes down to it, it's more like a sweaty visit to the abattoir, followed by a salty fish market.

Power in artistic voice is never random, it is chosen very carefully.

Actors are not first creators. Painters, composers, sculptors, writers, create something from nothing. Actors create something from something. They are secondary creators.

Look back on your life and think about what caused you stress, unhappiness, embarrassment, and humiliation. It is unlikely you will find it was the Earth, the ocean, nature, the mountains, the plants, the animals, the wind, the rain, the snow, or the sun. It is likely you will find it was people, always the people, and the systems they created, such as work, money, laws, politics, and religion.

Marriage is when women finally get what they want, and men wave the white flag, unaware of the firing squad which awaits.

'Political correctness waters down the arts, it's like getting a beer when you need a scotch'

Comedy is the first of the arts to fall victim to political correctness.

When you realize you cannot eat or drink money, the pursuit of it becomes senseless.

I have nothing to do each day, but write, drink, and run out of money.

Life is always better with beer.

"We are all seeking the unobtainable. Until we find it, we settle for life."