The Unexpected Guest Poem by Antony Rowland

Have never seen a spiral staircase in a room before:
would not know where to begin
and they should do something
about the pigeons. There was something sore

in the bathroom I couldn't place.
Felt unsafe in the gym:
the doors were not pleasing;
suspect adjoining face

with wall penetration of heat.
I found a dirty sock in a broken bed:
I told reception and they looked at my head.
The shower was a daily feat:

I wear glasses; it got hot if you turned your back
in the wrong direction. Told
to use our newspaper as a fan to keep cold.
‘What do you wash your face with?' I asked.

They said the big towel. The doors opened onto the bed:
I could not even take a photograph of it.
They didn't serve us but they made us sit
and the breakfast - when it came - looked unhealthy and sad.

We found someone in our bathroom. That was weird.
The relaxation room was cold. The toaster
was trained by a parrot. No coasters
for the bell-captains. We found a beard

in our suitcase. There is only one phone
for use in the hotel, and it is a phone, it is also
locked in a private room. We had to go
into another cupboard. The toaster was alone

on the serving table and frustrated all the guests.
They should have mentioned
that it was under construction.
The gel was terrible. Ditto eggy bread.

The sweet at reception was coked.
Motor bikes roaring up and down.
The bartender was a clown.
Being a smoker I appreciated that I smoked.

Breakfast - waste of a cow. Floor too high.
I want fresh milk and English tea!
The kitchen was excellent, but empty.
If the room was a minibar it would be nice.

Milk - creamer. I slept with a wet carpet.
This may not be the hotel you are looking for
if you need service, facilities or storage.
We did not want these: the hotel was perfect.