Sincerely, Insecurities Poem by J M

Hey Jake,
You haven't written anything really great for a while.
What are you hiding from behind your cheesy smile?
Is everything ok?
Did something traumatic happen?
You used to write all the time.
Telling stories in rhyme
about love, about life.

I've been finding myself lately. I've even found new friends.
I don't know if you can see them.
But I swear they're not pretend.
Don't be rude fellas.
Say hello to our audience.
Or are your tied tongues twisted up from taking shots at my self confidence?

Right here behind me
Like a blast from the past
Insecurities secure to me
With a white knuckle grasp

Jealousy is new to me.
I try to shake it off
But it's got a grip on my A.R.M.
Like it's been glued to me.
I don't want anybody see it but
I can see it and it's confusing me.

I know they're just thoughts and to beat em I needa face em.
And I hate to admit it
but, I acknowledge they exist.

There was a time they were eating me alive.
So I locked em in a box in the back of my mind.
I shoved em down deep near the bottom of my spine.
To try to drown em out. Let em suffocate and die.
Tick tock the clock clicks time.
A picked lock beside an empty box implies,
these insecurities of mine no longer wish to hide.

Whether I like it or not, they're a part of me too.
Although they're a part of me I'd like to remove.
If I do,
Would I still be me?
Just new and improved?
Nah. I don't think it's true.
I need mine to be me. And you need yours to be you.
But how much should we really listen to?

We put up fences to protect us
When we were feeling defenseless.
Deceptive self Perception
In disguise along side our defenses
Indistinguishable and relentless

The insincerity of these insecurities secured to me
Weighs on my humanity severely
Constantly clouding what is and isn't real to me

I'll be me again.
I just need to get this out.
I just need to to let you in.
I'm in a vulnerable place.
I'm spilling my heart all over the page.

I'm scared to death of the ones I love leaving.
I'm scared to death that one day you won't need me.
I'm scared to death that one day you might leave me.

I admit that I'm lost
I'm a little confused right now
I'm trying to look at everything from every point of view
But I can't see through these clouds

I usually try to hide them
I don't like to let them show
But it's getting hard to fight them
I'm losing all control

I don't want you to see me like this
I'm embarrassed I'm ashamed I'm a wreck I'm a mess

You've come so far
I feel I've fallen away
If you stay where you are
Your light will show me the way

I adore you more than I can afford to lose.
Everyday I wake up like I have something to prove.
But I have nothing to prove
I've already sutured these wounds.
So why am I ripping these stitches
To fashion a noose?
Am I a passionate fool?
Or do you feel it too?

Maybe the reason I'm always asking if you're ok
Is because I need to tell you that I'm not but I don't know how to say it

First place in the human race! Feels great!
Finish line within grasp
But then something happens
starting a mental reaction
My shoe lace shakes loose from the double knotted noose
And I crash into last.