There's Nothing Wrong With The Tractor - Except Of Course For The Wing Poem by Clive Blake

Tommy's old tractor was broken,
The thing wasn't working at all...
Who can I get to fix it, Tommy mused?
In the end, he gave Alistair a call.

"Alistair, my tractor's off colour,
Will you please come look and see?
My wallet's otherwise occupied, so
Any chance you can do it for free? "
Alistair just gave a wry smile and...
Shrewdly asked for a fee.

You see Alistair was totally streetwise,
A person whom nobody fools,
So he set off for old Tommy's farm
And took along all of his tools.

On viewing the mechanical shambles which
Completely blocked his path,
Poor Alistair couldn't decide whether
He wanted to cry or to laugh,
For seeing the task before him,
He began to turn rather pale,
"Are you feeling all-white Alistair? " Tommy enquired,
Sensing Alistair's frown told a tale.

"But Tommy, " cried Alistair, "You told me
That the tractor was basically sound...
Well over half of it has rusted
And disappeared deep underground, "
Growled Tommy, "Tis far far far better
Than it looks when first it is seen,
I'll just go and get the power-washer,
And then you'll see what I mean."

Now Alistair had to admit to himself
That Tommy was partially right,
The few good bits that remained above ground
All cleaned up really quite bright!
So Alistair rolled up his sleeves,
To set about putting things right,
But the odds were all stacked against him
He'd embarked on an uneven fight.

Then Alistair dropped a bombshell
That made Tommy's wallet fair jump,
"The engine is totally knackered,
There's a whopping great crack in the sump …
And when did you last change this oil?
It's as thick and as turgid as tar,
Are you sure all your maintenance checks
Have been carried out all up to par?
My advice is to sell it for scrap,
Give it up as a hopeless bad job,
Admit that it's flippin' well had it,
That it's only worth a few bob."

Now Tom took this kind of personal
And dejectedly tugged at his shirt,
He started impatiently fidgeting,
It was obvious his feelings were hurt,
"But there's nothing wrong with the tractor...
Except of course... for the wing, "
Alistair just shook his head grimly
Hands up in a ‘final-straw' fling.

Tom gave a familiar loud sigh …
"Aaaah … Alistair... I mean no disrespect,
But you are only a Trainee Mechanic, I think
A second opinion comes next..."

Poor Alistair felt quite insulted,
In burning frustration he fled,
But Tommy just dialled a new number
And when it was answered he said:
"Christopher, I've got a small problem
With my tractor, will you come and see?
I might pay you a little something, unless
Your second opinion comes free? "

So Christopher said he'd come over,
Though he knew Tommy only too well!
A nice enough bloke, but be careful,
For Tom had a temper from hell!

Christopher took a long, long look,
Then his face began to go red,
"Well, if this old thing was an animal,
A vet would've had it shot dead!
Have you ever by chance filled the radiator,
With cold water, when the engine was hot? "
Tommy just squirmed in embarrassment,
His tongue tied up in a knot,
He began to look kind of desp'rate,
And in his throat was a lump,
As Christopher confirmed that the engine,
Had a massive great crack in its sump.

"But there's nothing wrong with the tractor...
Except, of course... for the wing! "
For being able to ignore all the facts
Tommy was indisputably King.

For the next few terrible nights,
Tommy only had fitful sleep,
Completely exhausted by morning,
After counting millions of sheep.

Though he tried, he couldn't stop fretting,
Did fast sums and again even faster,
Could you mend a cracked sump, he wondered,
With a rubberoid inner-tube plaster?

Now Tommy would never say die,
He was certainly slow to give in,
So he looked long and hard, but in vain,
For a second-hand working engine!
He'd lost track of the number of times
He had been caught like this before,
Nurturing a knackered old tractor
Instead of showing that tractor the door.

Eventually admitting defeat, he acquired,
Another un-cared for old tractor,
Perhaps
the approaching silage season
Was a determining factor!
But on any clear bright summer's day,
You'll hear Tommy defiantly sing:
"There's nothing wrong with the tractor...
Except of course... for the wing! "