I Want To Exist- Mary's Story Poem by Lonnie Hicks

I Want To Exist- Mary's Story

Rating: 2.6


Answer me this;
riddle me that;

enigma-surrounded
I retreat,

to the isolated and the cruel snide
for solace

against you and others
who
think this is a debate,
or argument,
when for me
it is about
whether I exist.

No, gentlemen,
ladies we engage here
not in idle gossip wars
for me this is more serious
and masks,
despite my telling my self
it is less than that,
in fact,
for me
mental survival is at stake here;

all the more so
when I see it is not that way for thee;

it makes me feel smaller still
that you can play with life
indeed, even in this conversation;

as if for you
nothing is a stake;

oblivious to,
that for me,

all is at risk;
the half-healed wound
stabbed again.

There is no quarter here
asked for
or given;
you must die metaphorically
for me
to have just one moment
to exist;

as I resist
illogically
to save myself.

All this
I know
sounds crazy;

through all this
I am aware
that none of it makes sense;

But if I had control
I would resist.

But the point is
I don't
and I can't
and I must save
not only myself
but all the others too
to avoid the mental obituary
that life
seeks to write for me and them
every day, each day, in every situation.

They are playing for the joy of the game;
I am playing for the right to exist.

Crazy?
I know.
I don't know what is wrong with them.
Why can't they see
what they are doing to me?

Why are they so out of touch
with reality?

Tell me who is the crazy one?
Why is my reality
the crazy one?

This rule makes no sense.
It is
well
crazy
to deny me
what I need to exist-
which is
after all
the need to
maintain my dignity
in the face of the
brutal facts of my life;

I really don't matter; ,
no special talents
one among a mass
average-

when
everyone says
I should be special
in some way
but
in fact I know I am not-
I am average,
barely
having
a rationale to exist.

There it is.

So does this all mean
I have no value?

No, I exist.
There is the problem:
people treat me
at though
I don't.

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